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Today's featured article

Hey kid! Come on over here. I wanna tell you a story.

No, don't you keep walking. Get over here. Your mommy's gonna be a while in there, I can tell. I saw what she had for lunch.

Don't worry, you can trust me. I got a nice honest face, don't I?

Oh, I just want to tell you about what I sacrificed for your freedom.

You see, son, I come from harder times. Back in the day, Uncle Sam could send you where ever he wanted whenever he wanted. And that's what he done to me. I went to go fight for my country without complaint. Lost both my legs over in 'Nam. Then they spit me right out on the streets right out of the hospital and I had no money. I didn't get no medals. I didn't get no "thank you." I didn't get SHIT. (Full article...)

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Did you know?

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?

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In the news

Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States

Donald Trump found GUILTY on all 34 charges in Stormy Daniels hush money case (Pictured)
Michael Jackson comes back to life
Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Roger Corman · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity

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On this day

May 31: "Stop the Devil's Handshakes with a Bowlful of Cornflakes" Day

1584 - Martin Frobisher sails from England to Frobisher Bay, Canada. He is stunned to find somewhere he's never been named after himself.
1830 - The first cigarettes are introduced and are approved by the Surgeon General as a treatment for pink lung disease.
1884 - John Harvey Kellogg, after seeing a field of corn covered in flakes of snow, patents yogurt enemas and pornflakes. (Pictured)
1924 - The Soviet Union signs an agreement with the Chinese government, designating Outer Mongolia as One of the funniest place-names in the world.
1945 - Babe Ruth, in the heat of the game, kills the umpire, and is given a stern warning.
1961 - Scientists release research confirming anchovies are more at home in tomato sauce than water.
1974 - Syria and Israel sign an accord to resolve the hostilities over who gets first dibs on "Kojak" re-runs.

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