Uncle Sam

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Uncle Sam
Eternal Supreme Uncle of this Great United States of America
Incumbent
Assumed office July 4th, 1776
1st United States Ambassador to God
Incumbent
Assumed office July 4th, 1776
Ultra-Supreme Court Justice for All
Incumbent
Assumed office July 4th, 1776
Personal details
Born	July 4th, 1776 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Political party	Independent <sigh>
Spouses	Lady Columbia (div. 1886) Lady Liberty (m. 1886)
Children	50 and Puerto Rico (adopted)
Residence	America
Salary	$1.05

Samuel America McFreedom, also known as Uncle Sam of America, the Man of Opportunity, Captain America, Sr., the Man of the Free, the One Man Under God, Sir Liberty, or the STAR-SPANGLED BADASS is the human manifestation of freedom and the spiritual uncle of all Americans. Born on July 4, 1776, in Philadelphia, Uncle Sam has been dedicated to protecting your freedom and liberty from day one, even occasionally going out of his way to liberate the oppressed people of oil-rich countries and win two entire world wars in a row with his red, white and blue eyes shut. In exchange for his sacrifices, he demands we show constant praise for his heroism and the American Dream he has so graciously given to us, just by singing the national anthem so obnoxiously loud at every sporting event and pledging to him at every school. Americans worship Uncle Sam in a religion known as Patriotism.

Early life

Sam was born on July 4, 1776, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania as a result of a sevensome intercourse among seven dads Sam liked to refer to as his Founding Fathers, who raised him on strict guidelines known as the Constitution. In particular, Sam's Founding Fathers had refused to pay rent to their landlord, John Bull, who jacked up the prices significantly without representation also didn't appreciate their sevensome relationship, leading to a nasty shootout in which Sam's dads finally won independence from John Bull.

His favorite father, George Washington, was the head of the newly independent household. He laid some ground rules for young Sam:

1. You shall not have any parties.
2. Don't get into other people's business.
3. Don't get into any close relationships with anybody.

However, it wasn't long after Washington told the world he was "peacing out" that Sam's six other dads got into a nasty divorce, fighting for custody over Sam. There was even an instance when one of his dads got his ass capped in a gunfight. This rough childhood led him to be extra rebellious in his teenage phase, and he broke all of Washington's wack-ass ground rules. Sam started having lots of parties, got into XYZ affairs with beautiful French hoes, and got into fights with Berber pirate gangs in the 'hood.

In 1790, Samuel moved from his shitty hometown in Philadelphia to a new, beautiful ass White House on the Potomac River. He named his new home after his favorite dad, George Washington, and his favorite superhero comic books, DC Comics. Hence, the name of his new home was Washington, DC.

Uncle Sam hit his first growth spurt after his second-greatest dad, Thomas Jefferson, purchased it from Napoleon the Short in the 1800s. Sam refers to this as his "Louisiana Puberty". He became stronger and wiser as he aged into adulthood, and this would prove to be useful to Uncle Sam in the Dysfunctional Family Crisis of 1812.

Sam tried to get his northern brother from the upstairs into his messed-up habits, and even screw over their Grandfather John Bull by toilet-papering his house. Canada, who was secretly a mole for Grandpa Bull, snitched on Sam, allowing Grandpa Bull to carry out a drive-by shooting and burned down Sam's new crib in an attempt to make Sam his bitch again. However, Sam, despite taking a bullet to the jaw, tapped into his newly-gained street smarts and toughness, screamed "FREEDOM, MOTHAFUCKA!" and blew a tire in Grandpa Bull's getaway car before ripping out the engine and smacking Grandpa Bull down with his new "third leg", all without the help of his founding fathers this time around. A big boi indeed. Grandpa Bull then claimed that he was only trying to see if Sam had grown some "cojones" and left him be, having gained respect for the young lad. Sam agreed not to toilet paper Grandpa Bull's house, and the two officially squashed their beef and became homies.

Playa-hating on his Latino neighbors

Sammy boy, unaware of what "cojones" meant, realized he "finna learn some Spanish". So he hung out with his Spanish-speaking neighbors next door, who were all amazed by Sam's ability to tell his grandpa to "fuck off". In turn, all of them were inspired to tell their own landlady and grandma, Señora Hispania, to go "vete a la chingada," getting into independent shootouts with her and her cronies and running off with their own "Padres Fundadores". Well, all of Sam's neighbors did that, aside from El Hombre Floridense. Señora Hispania then got tired of his "goofy-ass face" and evicted him, telling him to go hang out with Sam instead. Sam adapted El Hombre Floridense, who changed his name to "Florida Man" and became Sam's bitch.

Sam became tight with one Latino brotha in particular, Mexico. However, Mexico started getting annoying, competed for the attention of a bitch named "Manifest Destinee" and kept flexing Texas in front of Sam.

Bipolar/split-personality episode

Sam eventually began drinking old apple juice, which he didn't realize became hard cider and got himself shit-faced. While shitfaced, he then began arguing with himself over slaves, developing two personalities: Billy Yank and Johnny Reb.

Later life

Appropriately, Sam became referred to as Drunk Insolvent Uncle Sam.

Notes