UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters

UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Editorials and a feedback column. Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the intelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares. For those of you who don't remember newspapers, OpEd is short for Opinion Editorial. UnNews Editorials | UnNews Columns | Original reporting edit  Reductio ad Hitlerum: Guest editorials by notable figures, such as Sarah Palin, Jesuszilla, etc.. UnNews Column Reductio ad Hitlerum by guest columnist SARAH PALIN - The lame-stream media is very lame Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters. As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media. Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. more... edit  UnColumns UnColumns:Chuck Norris - Secularism: the single greatest threat that America has ever faced Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris, founder of the Chun Kuk Do school of Tang Soo Do Chopsocky, as well as wearer of the 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master in Tae Kwon Do, another of indeterminate color for Machado Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, rainbow suspenders for Tai Chi and a white apron in Tex-Mex cooking. Known as "the Bruce Lee of martial arts movies", he starred in films like Missing in Action (1984), Missing in Action II: The Missing Strikes Back (1985), and Missing in Action III: Return of the Missing (1988) before playing a Texas Ranger named Walker on the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger (1993-2001). He is also the author of The Justice Riders, a novel about justices who justly dispense justice, guided by their Conservative Christian worldview (the bedrock principles on which America was founded by the Founding Fathers, who founded America on the bedrock foundation of Conservative Christian principles), as they ride. In 2007, Chuck gave the commencement speech at Falwell's Liberty University. Five days later Jerry Falwell went to the Lord. The two incidents are unrelated. He endorsed Mike Huckabee in 2008 in his bid for president. In return, Huckabee endorsed him in the All-Texas Chili Cook-off. Norris' entry placed third. more... edit  OpEd UnNews:Editorial - Government: "You can't get high" Washington, D.C. Want to get high? Want to dream while you're awake? Want to experience highs, lows, and middles that blow your mind? Well, tough because "You Can't Get High"(tm). I've spent billions of dollars keeping you from getting high, and will spend billions more. I've also put lots of people in prison, all for the sake of keeping you from getting high. Sure, putting them in jail will cause them to take drugs, but they can get high. They're in prison. They don't count. It's not like they can do anything. Ah, the legal system. Such an infallible system. Ahem, back on topic. Why can we not get high? I can just see you asking that question, rocking on the floor with your shirt off while yelling at the demons that exist only in your mind. Let that fly out of your mind with all thoughts of guilting me into changing my mind with your horrible withdrawl, let it go. Here's why you can't get high (tm). more... edit  ATBF UnNews ATBF Column - Do not feature this article! I know you want to, but just don't. There's no point to it. It's a waste of bits, a pathetic attempt by the author to garner praise and adulation for his questionable "talent" as a writer. You'll only encourage him to write more, and if there's one thing we don't need around Uncyclopedia, it's any more of that. Send a message to this dick. Tell him his idea of humor is slightly more evolved than belch language. Oh, sure, he throws in the occasional thesaurus-derived phrase in to make us think, "oh isn't he just so erudite!". Don't fall for any of it. Fine. If you're going to keep reading, I may as well keep writing. more...

Write a new UnNews story: Type your desired headline and then click on the button. Read Me First | Style Guide | Newsroom edit  Janitors Closet: Bitch, piss, and moan at your Janitorial Services Editor. Click here to submit your letter Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here? Suzy Creamcheese Dear Ms. Creamcheese, Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid. Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism. Yours in cleanliness and sanitation, The Editorial Stiff Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al. So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!! See ya around, trolls! JGordon Dear JGordon, As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists. If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera. Hygienically yours, The Editorial Stiff Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig. CE8eYGaz Dear CE8eYGaz, I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor. Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers! Yours in cleanliness and sanitation, The Editorial Stiff

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