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From today's featured article
BOGOTÁ, Colombia, Fake America -- Millions of rioting Colombians are being thrown into giant paddy-wagons by Bogotá police in a tense standoff. The people are violently rioting for the right to take part in the annual Eurovision Song Contest, a European song contest in which Israel and Australia have been permitted to participate.
Colombia has a rich music culture where their very simplistic yet camp and cliché musical style would fit in perfectly with Eurovision. However, for many years now, Israel has vetoed Colombians from joining the contest, claiming that "Colombians just can't be gay" (a prerequisite for any group to perform at Eurovision). In a recent interview for CNN, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu raised serious questions about the ability of Colombian people to be flamboyant homosexuals. As we all remember, the best TV show in the history of mankind, Yo soy Betty, la fea, is actually a Colombian show; but that show is so rampantly homophobic that, along with Colombia's brutal machista culture, Israel has concerns about how much Colombians are able to express their gayness at the Eurovision. Netanyahu was quoted as saying: "Colombians are so manly, you can smell their ball sweat from a mile away. No one would take them seriously dancing around on stage in plastic pants singing about forbidden love". (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)
- ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
- ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
- ... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
- ... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
- ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
In the news
- Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
- YouTube is dead
- D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
- Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
- Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
- NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
- Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
- Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
- Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
- Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
- Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
- Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
- Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
- Santa's Elves on strike
- UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
- Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: O. J. Simpson · Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)
On this day
May 13: Nobody's Independence Day Day
- 28 - Jesus Christ comes home drunk at 3:45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house to get a job.
- 1568 - The forces of Mary, Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters.
- 1917 - Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there.
- 1992 - Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history.
- 2003 - Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba.
- 2005 - God sues eBay claiming that sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin at all. (Pictured)
- 2010 - Nuclear missiles are launched at Finland, smug bastards finally get what's coming to them.
- 2074 - I finally find my house keys.
Picture of the day
And so it was that Abraham Lincoln was shot, killed by an actor for sending those stupid 'Joke of the Day' E-mails to Jefferson Davis. Image credit: Silius |
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