Peyton Manning passes the turkey. Brian Urlacher competes for the title of "World's Hungriest Player" It's sad when everyone knows this kicker is the best player on either team.

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Walter Peyton "Place" Manning is the second-greatest quarterback in NFL history, and the older brother of the greatest QB in NFL history, Eli Messiah. He hasn't won a championship because his teammates suck royally. His entire career is exactly like his father's, promising but ultimately insufficient, and it's all his teammates' faults.

Manning is also noted for throwing an NFL record 78 touchdown passes during Madden NFL 2004, barely surpassing Dan Marino's 76 TDs during Tecmo Super Bowl in 1991.

Manning is a good teammate, and as such, hasn't said anything, but his entire team sucks except for him.

So far he has nothing to say about coaches and management. Some people say this is because he is white enough to not anger the people who sign the checks and call the plays that he then waves off with five seconds on the clock, but they're a bunch of racists. He's not like Terrell Owens, ok? And don't say Owens isn't white enough to be as ignorant as Manning and get away with it, ok. You don't understand NFL politics at all. (more...)

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Yesterday's Featured Advert

You have two cows is the ultimate philosophical truth. All categories except Category Nine (How mooriginal) may contain contributions from the Internet as well as Uncyclopedians. Mathematical proof that you have two cows lies in moometric identity:

$Moo\cdot \left(\sin \left(Cow_{A}\right)+\cos \left(Cow_{B}\right)\right)\,\!=2\cdot {Cows}$

This mathematical proof can also be written with the second moometric identity:

$\log _{moo}{\left(Cow_{A}\right)}+\log _{moo}{\left(Cow_{B}\right)}\,\!=\log _{\left(2\,Cow\right)}{\left(Moo\right)}$

Where Moo is the universal moometric constant.

A longstanding tradition of mathematics is discovering new truths pertaining to two-cow ownership. Currently, ~~45,893~~ ~~45,894~~ ~~45,895~~ ~~45,896~~ ~~45,897~~ ~~45,898~~ ~~45,899~~ 45,900 are known. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

*... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?

... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?

... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?

... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?

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In the news
Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States The Kremlin: Vladimir Putin "totally didn't participate in a Pride parade, nothing to see here.." Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy Michael Jackson comes back to life Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh Switzerland wins Eurovision Netherlands disqualified in final shocker YouTube is dead D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict Recent deaths: Roger Corman · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity UnNews – Radio Free Lunch
On this day...
June 9: Moose Conservation Day (Canada) 1920 - First solar-powered air balloon launched at night. 1926 - First refrigerator invented, used to kill people slowly and coldly, scientists decide it is better to use a refrigerator to keep food cold instead. 1940 - The team of scientists at Los Alamos construct the world's first nuclear weapons after the US government's promise to only use them for peaceful nuclear bombings. 1969 - Sex is created, scientists do not think it will be a big hit. 1988 - The VHS video entitled Steal This Movie becomes the world's most widely stolen merchandise. Politicians baffled. 1993 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Supreme Court. 2003 - Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies notches its record breaking 500th lawsuit. 2005 - On this Moose Conservation Day, nothing moose-related is mentioned. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Now we know why they look so intense, all of them.

Image credit: Gneomi
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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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