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From today's featured article 

Samueljacksonbabysun.jpg

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)
  • ... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
  • ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
  • ... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
  • ... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
  • ... that Uranus is a gas giant?
  • ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
  • ... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?

In the news 

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On this day 

Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world.

April 26: Hyperbole Day!

  • 1764 - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
  • 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing! Not like I'd tell you, though.
  • 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
  • 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever. Aside from the racism.
  • 1983 - The worst day in the history of the universe, God himself mourns. (Pictured)
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting! Good job, Mr. President! Let the void take you!
  • 2016 - The best night I've ever had. Ever! It felt so good! Say goodbye to cats!

Picture of the day

Whoop-Ass of Mass Destruction
 Although Whoop-Ass is a commonly available weapon (with 12 oz versions legally available to the public) if ever war should break out, the US has 55 gallon drums at their disposal. A single barrel could wipe out the entirety of Cuba. Distributed by Chuck Norris on a regular basis.

Image credit: Splaka
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